JOKES
MEN-TAL ANXIETY...MEN-OPAUSE...MEN-TAL BREAKDOWN
Ever notice that all woman's problems start with men?
(nuff)
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Q: Whats the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked blond and a six-pack in front of him and then tell him to pic only one.
(nuff)
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Q. What do men and pantyhose (tights) have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
(nuff)
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Q: What is the difference between men and women ?
A: A Woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.. .A Man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
(nuff)
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mails?
A: Rename the mail folder to 'Instruction Manuals'
(nuff)
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THE PERFECT MAN
The perfect man is gentle,
Never cruel or mean;
He has a beautiful smile,
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a darn good father
And a husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking,
Cleaning and vacuuming, too.
He'll do anything in his power
To show his love to you.
The perfect man is sweet,
Writing poetry in your name.
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.
He never makes you cry
Or hurt in any way.
Oh, fuck this stupid poem...
The perfect man is gay.
(Nuff)
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THE FROG
A lipstick girl was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The lipstick girl freed the frog.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The lipstick girl said, "That will be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The lipstick girl replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The lipstick girl said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Lipstick girl's are clever and kick arse BIG TIME. Don't mess with us!
(Street-Legal)
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ANALYSIS
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 15kg to 225kg.
Occurence: Large quantities in urban areas, with trace elements found in most
other areas.>
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
Surface normally covered in powder and paint film.
Boils at nothing, freezes for no apparent reason.
Melts if given special treatment.
Bitter if used incorrectly.
Found in various grades, ranging from virgin material to common ore.
Yields if pressure is applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
Affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones.
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
Explodes spontaneously, without warning or reason.
Softens and takes on a rosy glow when soaked in hot water.
Greatly increased activity when saturated in alcohol.
The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
Highly ornamental - especially in sports cars.
Can be a great aid to relaxation.
Very effective cleaning agent.(!)
TESTS
Pure specimens turn bright pink when discovered in the natural
state.
Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
HAZARDS
Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
Illegal to possess more than one specimen, although several can be maintained at
different locations provided they DO NOT come into direct contact with each
other.
(showgirl)
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Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
(Anonymous)
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In the hospital, The relatives gathered in the waiting room,
where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking
tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news." he said as
he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at
this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and
you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone
asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly
responded,"£50,000 for a male
brain, £2,000 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye
contact with the women, but some actually smirked. Then a young boy amongst
them, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted
to ask:
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said,
"It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to markdown the female brains,
because THEY'RE used."
(Showgirl)
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Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars (or in
Chatrooms!) have in common?
A. They're married.
(Showgirl)
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What's the difference between a stupid man and a catfish?
One's a bottom-feeding scumsucker and the other is a fish
(Bryany_99)
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Why don't stupid men mind their own business?
No mind
(Bryany_99)
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How are stupid men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one says and they both last about sixty seconds
(Bryany_99)
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What's the difference between a stupid man and an intelligent man?
Nothing, they both think that they know everything
(Bryany_99)